Loving Relationship Intimacy

When the intimacy goes missing in your relationship, it is important that you understand the true meaning of intimacy, in order to know how to revive it.

Sweet talking until dawn

Have you ever been in love? Of course you have. Can you remember what it was like? Can you remember how you spent hours on end with each other, sharing, cuddling, holding hands, talking long into the night? Telling each other about yourself; about your experiences, thoughts, ideas, ambitions, dreams – who you are. Listening to, and wanting to know, everything about the other and who they are.

Then, what happens? Most couples find, after “the honeymoon period” is over, that they rarely have those long, beautiful moments of open, intimate sharing anymore. That the intimacy somehow goes missing in between working, hobbies and household chores.

The life blood of relationships

When the intimacy goes missing from your relationship, you are beginning to lose what holds you together as a couple. Intimacy is the glue between you that bonds you to each other, it is the life blood of your relationship. But intimacy also opens the door to something even deeper. Intimacy offers you the opportunity to be together, to be your immediate, true self, without masks and roles.

Intimacy offers a practice ground for being yourself, and learning to accept and love yourself as you are.

Intimacy = Sex?

When sex and intimacy happen at the same time, it is usually a wonderful experience. Yet, it is entirely possible to have sex without any intimacy what so ever. And it is equally possible to have intimacy without the sex. The problem is that men and women very often have different opinions on what intimacy actually means.

Many men (no, not you of course, but some of your mates…), tend to think of intimacy as meaning naked-bodies-rubbing-against-each-other. Or they only experience intimacy in sexual situations. Women on the other hand tend to see intimacy as meaning being-close-and-affectionate, in a broader sense – with or without physical touch.

This difference often leads to imbalances and frustrations, after “the honeymoon period”, and quite often the couple never get around to talking sweetly (remember, the stuff you did for hours in the beginning) about what they want / miss / need.

TRY THIS EXERCISE:

Talk openly with your partner about;

• What does intimacy mean to you?
• What kind of intimacy between you do you appreciate most?
• What kind of intimacy would you like to have more of in your relationship?

Intimacy and Vulnerability

In the true sense of the word, intimacy only happens when two people dare to open up to each other, to let down their masks and let the other person see them as they are. True intimacy is about letting your guard down. It is about daring to be vulnerable and come close to one another. Vulnerability is the basis for true intimacy.

Intimacy is therefore also about revealing the truth about yourself, and honestly confiding in the other about yourself. Talking, talking, talking is not enough. You must dare to talk about personal things for you, to expose how you feel, what you want and what you need.

TRY THIS EXERCISE:

Talk openly with your partner about;

• What I have noticed recently about myself is…
• The reasons I have the “better deal” in our relationship are…
• The reasons you have the “better deal” in our relationship are…
• A perfect weekend with you would consist of…
• The way I would feel more loved by you is…
• The best thing about our sex life is…
• A secret sexual fantasy I would like to have fulfilled is…
• Two specific things I haven’t wanted you to know about me are…
• My biggest, darkest secret is…

Reviving dormant intimacy

When those moments of intimacy no longer seem to come and visit as frequently as perhaps they did in the beginning of your relationship, don’t despair – prepare! Instead of sitting around waiting for those moments to appear, make them happen! Schedule for intimacy – however strange the idea may seem at first!

Set aside time for being intimate with each other. Arrange a pleasant atmosphere; using soft lights, candles, music, incense – what ever you enjoy. Then do the things that you used to do, when intimacy “just happened” by itself; be close, talk about personal matters, silently just be with each other, cuddle, make love etc. Don’t rush, take the time to enjoy each other again.

And if you need more help reviving your lost intimacy…

If you have relationship issues that go too deep for you to be able to overcome them on your own, you may find that what you need is Relationship Counselling. If your issues are not quite that severe, but you still recognise that it would be valuable to get some input into how to make your relationship even better than it already is, then perhaps Relationship Coaching would be for you. Either way, the processes are similar – we can discuss what would serve your needs best, if you contact me today!