Men and women (mis)communicating
One of the recurring themes in couples counselling is the differences in communication styles that men and women have. There is an almost endless list of example of this, but one of the most common issues comes up in the area of talking about problems that have occurred outside of the relationship, e.g. at work.
If a woman has a problem at work, and tells her husband (to use a gender specific term) about it over dinner, his response is all too often to tell her what she can do – or worse, could or should have done – to deal with the situation. He offers up his problem solving advice, typically whether he has been asked to do so or not. But unfortunately this is quite often exactly what the woman doesn’t want…
What she typically wants is for him to just listen, empathetically, and say emotionally supportive things, like, “that must be awful for you.” But for a man that is so foreign, because men tend to only raise issues/problems, when they are wanting a suggestion for how to solve it. And unless they keep in mind that this is not quite the norm for a woman, the response he gets to his ‘helpfulness’ may be very different than what he expected. There’s nothing wrong with offering advice, but it is a good rule to first offer empathetic support, and then ask if it’s okay to offer some advice.
Obviously, the above is very stereotypical and generalised, and does not at all represent how it is for all women and all men, but it may still be worth considering. Or, better, talking to your partner about!
Here’s another example of how men and women experience and express themselves differently (you may have come across this one before, I found it somewhere on the web a long time ago);
Girl’s Diary
Saw John in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn’t seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn’t seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.
I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home. I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile.
He didn’t follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else.
I cried myself to sleep….
Boy’s Diary
Wallabies lost to the All Blacks.
Had sex though.
Well, at least I thought that was quite funny! Another very funny one is uploaded as a video on the Integrating Awareness facebook page – do watch it and leave a Comment if you wish, and if you like it make sure to click the “Like” button and pass it on to your friends by clicking the “Share” button!
You can find a selection of articles on relationship issues on the article page of my website. And in case you have discovered that you and your partner sometimes struggle to understand each other, you may want to consider getting some help with “translation” and with acquiring some useful communication strategies, by means of relationship counselling/coaching; contact me today!
Be well, and enjoy being!
Kind regards,
Lars Andersson
